"O give thanks unto the LORD; for He is good: because His mercy endureth for ever" (Psalm 118:1)
Standing in the kitchen doing laundry, I wondered, "How much of your life do you sacrifice before there's nothing more to give?" I am missing a beautiful sunny day outside and feeling frustrated that there always seems to be so little time for the things I enjoy. The thoughts of taking a walk outside with the sun shining on my face, of starting to clean up the yard and the garden now that the snow is almost gone, or just sitting on the front porch with a hot cup of French Vanilla Chai tea have been pushed to the back of my mind.
Homeschooling and be the keeper of my home, seem to be consuming my entire life, and each day I have felt a little more drained. If I'm not teaching Kiddo, I'm cleaning up his messes, or doing the laundry, dishes, animals, etc, as you all do as well. Not only that, I have been struggling with my feelings of being inadequate not only as a teacher, but as a mother and wife as well. Not doing things right, or good enough, or just not DOING enough for My Skippy Man or Kiddo.
I have found myself recently feeling resentful and angry that I can't always get through to my son because of his Aspergers. I am not angry or resentful at HIM, but at the autism itself. I am angry that his "fixation" of video games, will keep us from getting our work completed or it can take two or three times longer than it should. It sometimes keeps us from having a real conversation about real things and I have had a hard time as of late, excepting that, even though that is how it has always been.
I said to Kiddo last night when he was getting into bed, "I am sad sometimes, Kiddo, because those video games are the center of your life. I want to be the center of your life. I want my son back!" He looked at me and said, "Mom, you have your son. I've always been right here!" WOW.....if THAT did not feel like a slap in the face. I was wanting MYSELF to be the center of his life. How selfish am I? Here I am, trying to make my son be/feel/act like someone he is not! SHAME ON ME! He is a child of the King, the same as me. I have a "MASTERPIECE" that God created and I am PROUD to call him my son!
Self-pity is a destructive force in a person's life because it fails to acknowledge God's goodness with a grateful heart.
I need to stop my personal pity party and think again about what the Lord has done for me. Yes, my days may be busy, but God has blessed me with an incredible opportunity to change the world through my son's life and the lives of those around me. Let praise and thankfulness replace my "Poor Me's" and watch as God blesses my faithfulness in serving Him as a parent to His precious blessings!
"I will bless the LORD at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth" (Psalm 34:1)
Father, forgive my selfishness when I fail to appreciate all You have given to our family. Lift my heart today and help me to focus on those things in life that are truly important. In Jesus' name, Amen.