"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future! "
Jeremiah 29:11

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Poor, Poor Pitiful Me


"O give thanks unto the LORD; for He is good: because His mercy endureth for ever" (Psalm 118:1)

Standing in the kitchen doing laundry, I wondered, "How much of your life do you sacrifice before there's nothing more to give?" I am missing a beautiful sunny day outside and feeling frustrated that there always seems to be so little time for the things I enjoy. The thoughts of taking a walk outside with the sun shining on my face, of starting to clean up the yard and the garden now that the snow is almost gone, or just sitting on the front porch with a hot cup of French Vanilla Chai tea have been pushed to the back of my mind.

Homeschooling and be the keeper of my home, seem to be consuming my entire life, and each day I have felt a little more drained. If I'm not teaching Kiddo, I'm cleaning up his messes, or doing the laundry, dishes, animals, etc, as you all do as well. Not only that, I have been struggling with my feelings of being inadequate not only as a teacher, but as a mother and wife as well. Not doing things right, or good enough, or just not DOING enough for My Skippy Man or Kiddo.

I have found myself recently feeling resentful and angry that I can't always get through to my son because of his Aspergers. I am not angry or resentful at HIM, but at the autism itself. I am angry that his "fixation" of video games, will keep us from getting our work completed or it can take two or three times longer than it should. It sometimes keeps us from having a real conversation about real things and I have had a hard time as of late, excepting that, even though that is how it has always been.

I said to Kiddo last night when he was getting into bed, "I am sad sometimes, Kiddo, because those video games are the center of your life. I want to be the center of your life. I want my son back!" He looked at me and said, "Mom, you have your son. I've always been right here!" WOW.....if THAT did not feel like a slap in the face. I was wanting MYSELF to be the center of his life. How selfish am I? Here I am, trying to make my son be/feel/act like someone he is not! SHAME ON ME! He is a child of the King, the same as me. I have a "MASTERPIECE" that God created and I am PROUD to call him my son!

Self-pity is a destructive force in a person's life because it fails to acknowledge God's goodness with a grateful heart.

I need to stop my personal pity party and think again about what the Lord has done for me. Yes, my days may be busy, but God has blessed me with an incredible opportunity to change the world through my son's life and the lives of those around me. Let praise and thankfulness replace my "Poor Me's" and watch as God blesses my faithfulness in serving Him as a parent to His precious blessings!

"I will bless the LORD at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth" (Psalm 34:1)

Father, forgive my selfishness when I fail to appreciate all You have given to our family. Lift my heart today and help me to focus on those things in life that are truly important. In Jesus' name, Amen.

16 comments:

Heart2Heart said...

Laura,

Lifting you up sweet sister in prayer and asking God to show you something you may have been missing in the midst of all the chaos. Hang in there, I have those very same days.

Love and Hugs ~ Kat

Amy, a redeemed sheep said...

I certainly have no words of wisdom, but I have been there, done that....I like you, Laura I really do. :o)

Goose Hill Farm said...

Thank you, sweet ladies, I so appreciate your words of encouragement! :> )

Melanie said...

Sorry you're having a rough day. I'll be praying for you. :)

Deborah said...

Dear Laura, I have the same feelings often and I think it's all part of life. Just from what I read on your blog it sounds like you are doing an awesome job with your son and family. Not everyone can hold it together like you!
Blessings,
Deborah

Lynda Young said...

Very encouraging words..thank you :)

Just Breathe said...

Praying for you during the tough days. ((HUGS))

Cathy said...

Sometimes life is hard and it's easy to get discouraged and feel sorry for ourselves. I've always heard it said that only 2 people will show up at our Pity Parties. ourself and the devil.

But it sounds to me like you're not staying in that mood and that you've hit on the right thing to do. Praise the Lord and pray! I hope your today is going better, my friend.

Just Be Real said...

Laura, my heart goes out to you in your frustration. God understands. ((((Laura))))

You Are My Hiding Place played as I entered your blog. Perfect.

Lucy Pevensie said...

When the weather is crappy out I feel like this too ... the weather is a real powerful force to me. It's been more sunny here lately though - very UNLIKE Seattle area.

I would encourage you to LIMIT the time that Kiddo spends on the vid games as they are time suckers and since you LOVE him you can put limits on that.

Check into glutathione - you can take it as a supplement and it's a powerful antioxidant and it can help people with aspergers and autism. Jenny McCarthy's son was healed after many treatments - but was SEVERLY autistic b4. I have gotten slow push IV's that means it only takes about 2 mins to push into a vein and they helped me immensely. The supplements will help too. It crosses the blood/brain barrier which not many things do and it cleans out the brain.
God bless and hang in there.
A disciplined son gives REST! :) In proverbs someplace.

Just Call Me Grammy said...

It is so easy to get discouraged and miss the many things we have to be thankful for. A couple of my friends have children with Aspergers and I see how complicated that makes things. I am sure from the caring heart that you show that you are doing a great job with him and being a wife and keeper of the home. I am thankful for the encouragement and inspiration I get from you. I'll be praying for you and your son.
Terry

Mc Allen said...

Laura, Hi, Im Leah and I too have a child w/ asbergers. Shes a 15 yo twin and I am struggling. She is precious, has the biggest heart, would do anyhting for you ( I call it the "aims to please desease", LOVES the Lord. The teen years have been soooo difficult. I ask all the time, how do I paarent a child that doesnt consider the consiqueces of things. As you well know, these precious children truly dont. We have had a hugely difficult time. She humiliates her sisters, has lost most of her friends, just cant seem to control her mouth EVER. But she just simply cannot help herself. God is really faithful to our family in huge miraculous ways and I know this will be no exception. I just wonder at times how in the world we will get through it and her be able to survive on her own. Thank you for this reminder. I needed this!! In His Love, LA

Frugal Vicki said...

This was a touching post. I think you are a strong momma! A good bloggy buddie of mine, Stacie, also has an autistic son and uses her blog to help educate others. I am not positive about the type or level of her son's autism, but maybe you can find a good friend with something similar to share. she is at supermommytotherescue.com
Anyway, nice to "meet" you, I am your newest follower.

Lucy Pevensie said...

Ah - thanks Laura - but it seems like there's only so MANY clear days here - the rain may return any day ... this winter so different than last where it was raining a TON more. :) So I'm enjoying the sun.
I did alittle more work in the yard - BUT I was mega careful. Also, I'm continuing to go to the chiro ... until I only have to go once every two or three weeks. God bless! ;)

Stephanie said...

I have been having my own little pity party here too Laura, for different reasons.

May YHWH bless you and your family.

Stephanie said...

I have been having my own little pity party here too Laura, for different reasons.

May YHWH bless you and your family.